PREPARE FOR YOUR UDDER DEFEAT!!! *holds up a cow*

She swung her udder... And missed. She's a UDDER failure...

Presenting an award, with all nervousness, you hear "And the winner goes to..."

"Uttila the Hun!"

I...Moustache you a question but Ima shavin' it for later....

No matter how attractive you may find him/her, never ask a photographer to step into a dark room and see what develops. The answer is almost always in the negative.

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

One day a chicken walked into the library. Much to the surprise of the librarian, the chicken marched straight to the checkout desk and started clucking, "Book book book, book book book book book, book book book...."

The librarian, rather surprised, could only stare at the chicken in disbelief. The chicken, undaunted, continued to cluck: "Book book book, book book book book book, book book book...."

After a few moments, the librarian recovered anough wits to reach below the desk, pull out a small book, and hand it to the chicken. The chicken took the book in its beak and walked out of the library. The librarian, out of curiosity, decided to follow.

The chicken walked for several minutes until it reached a small pond. In the middle of the pond sat a frog an a huge lily pad. Much to the amazement of the librarian, the chicken then turned around, and with a quick flick of its head, flung the book out to the lily pad.

The frog hopped eagerly over to the book. As the frog looked at the book, however, a look of disappointment crossed its face, and it began to croak:

"Read it, read it...."

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go across the street to the tavern. The other bass players agreed that this was a splendid idea, and a few minutes later, the basses were in the bar, knocking back drinks at a prodigious rate.

This went on for some time, with all the bass players becoming rather inebriated. One of them happened to look down at his watch and exclaimed, "We'd better get back to our seats or we're going to miss our cue!"

"Relax," said the section leader, "I've got it all taken care of. You see, before the performance started tonight I anticipated this problem, so I took a piece of string and I tied the conductor's score shut. He won't be able to turn the pages when he gets to that part. He'll have to stop the orchestra for a few minutes so he can get it untied. We'll have plenty of time!"

The other bass players praised his inventiveness with one final round of drinks. Then they made there way back across the street to the concert hall, and staggered drunkenly to their seats.

Sure enough, about this time the conductor started to have trouble with his score. He tried to fidget with it, hoping he could solve the problem without having to stop the performance. Unfortunately, he couldn't get the pages to turn, and at last he had to stop the orchestra and spend a few minutes untying the string that held the last section of the score bound. The conductor was clearly annoyed and not a little frazzled.

This, of course, did not go unnoticed by the audience. One woman in the crowd remarked to her husband, "That conductor looks upset and rather nervous."

"Of course he's nervous," the husband replied. "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."

http://www.mangafox.com/manga/beelzebub/c138.1/6.html

"Evil is a foot"....